Showing posts with label Candy Spelling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Candy Spelling. Show all posts

Monday, July 9, 2007

Papa Don't Preach


"Grandpa, man, that's wild, I don't know if I'm going to be grandpa, I don't know if I'm ready to be called grandpa. She is living her life under a microscope, but it's the kind of life you live at that age. She keeps apologizing [about being in the news so much], I tell you, she's doing exactly what you're supposed to do... she's living her life. If we had cell phones, MySpace, Internet back then, God knows what my parents would have known about The Commodores."
-Lionel Richie


Dear Lionel,
I don't think your daughter is ready to be called "MOM", do you? Maybe you should take some Tums and stop this verbal diarrhea before it gets worse and pick up the phone and call your daughter. You honestly think she is doing what she should be doing at this age? Drugs? Driving down the highway the wrong way? Getting knocked up? Possibly having to go to jail knocked up? But according to you, her apologies are not necessary.

When I first heard of Nicole's troubles I was going to pen her, but now I see where my work is needed. Pull yourself together and strong hand that child. She is wild and out of control and she needs her father. She is going to have a baby whether or not you are ready to be a grandpa! You must face facts, you are old now. I had to accept this too. When Tori had a baby, I wanted to throw it out the window, that meant I was old... But now, I realize, as a fellow geezer, I can write on my typewriter and make something of myself!

Best,
Candy Spelling
(THIS IS NOT A REAL LETTER)

Monday, July 2, 2007

The Zoe Failed Miserably




















I took the liberty of notifying The Zoe myself as clearly, Rumer has continued to ignore our plea to seek a stylist and has even disregarded letters from the infamous Candy Spelling!


Sadly, The Zoe was confused by the pixie cut celebuspawn and she gave her The Brad! Oh NO! Silly Zoe didn't even realize poor Rumer was a young LADY but it appears Rumer is happy with the look. So we will have to suffer through it until The Zoe can fix her mistakes.

Monday, June 25, 2007

If You're Bored


If you are bored, why not play Mad-Libs with Candy Spelling.

Write yourself a Candilicious letter and tell yourself what a whore you really are!!

CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE

SOURCE

Thursday, June 21, 2007

BROOKE HOagain


Oh Snap! Candy is rippin it up.

An Open Letter....

Dear Brook HOagain,
I don't know you, but I will write you anyways. I can't even comprehend what goes through your mind when you get dressed.... Do you own a mirror? I am assuming you want to look more feminine because of your HULK genes, you are very large and in charge! But honey, this look makes you look more like a tranny than a woman. It is not flattering and it makes people laugh inside their heads when they look your way, then turn to puke. You have done this look over and over again, do you want people to remember you as a trannny? Turn your life around now, while you still are young! I am only saying this because I care!

Please I beg you, wear more clothes, and cover up that mangina!

All the best,
Candy Spelling

(THIS IS NOT A REAL LETTER)

Saturday, June 16, 2007

NO WAY! Candy Spelling Still Has More To Say!

Dear Britney:

You made me do it. I didn't plan to write another letter now. I took two weeks off from TMZ.com because I didn't feel strongly about what anyone was doing -- or else I couldn't decide which side to believe.


You've driven me back to my laptop to ask why, if you have to slither in and out of cars, do clumsy imitations of gymnasts and wear clothes that are just too tight, trashy or skimpy, do you have to pose in front of photographers all the time? We've seen the body parts, poses and clumsy attention-seeking tricks before. You're wearing out your welcome. Some people never can turn away from a train wreck, so who can blame the photographers for waiting for your next one? Do you really want captions such as TMZ's own "Victim of Pap Smear" and "Does Britney Change Clothes for Cash" to be your legacy? You can do much better.


Unlike some others who are famous for being famous, you initially earned the fame and respect you achieved. You were a giant star, a Mouseketeer, a singer whose song titles became part of everyone's vocabulary. You made some missteps. We all do. But, when you become more famous for hideous, irresponsible actions than accomplishments, it's time to step back and figure out where you want your life to go. So many young girls still see you as a role model. Give those kids a reason to look up to you. They're probably even tired of the endless speculation about what undergarments you may or may not be wearing. I know their parents would like you to move on and get dressed. Even the school uniform was more dignified.


You're doing all right with the wigs. I know the paparazzi have a bounty on your (wigless) head. I think it's great that you have a variety of wigs (some very stylish) when you go out in public. If you do feel you need to show how your hair is growing back, at least make a deal with a photographer to sell the photo and donate the money to charity. Do you know what a statement that would make? Enough with the sorry grabs for attention. Deep down, especially for your sons, people want you to succeed. You can always get attention if you need it. Visit someone famous in jail and attract a zillion photographers if you're that addicted to fame. Americans like winners. We like those stories about what people do with second chances. How about a moratorium on train wrecks and some time out for paying back the fans who helped you succeed?

Best,
Candy Spelling
LOL Seriously, does Candy have anything else to do? Take up knitting, get another cat, go see a movie LOL! It is really hard for me to choose sides here because I do agree with Candy on this but you are not Lynn Spears and you will never be that hot piece of trailer trash, so stop trying.
What is more disturbing is, I do not think these people realize that these cars are putting the moves on their children. They are either over-heating or turning up the Al Green and the clothes just come off. I am starting to think maybe the cars have a deal with the paparazzi, seriously, they get out of the car and CROTCH SHOT! Then that same Mercedes got some brand new rims!! interesting!! I don't know what else to think, but nip slips and crotch shots go hand in hand with the cars. The cars are on FIRE! I need to pick up some of their game!

For more slutty cars check out our Car Sluts section!!

Friday, May 25, 2007

H-umor? I think so! For Us Anyways!

The new besties have been spotted all over the place lately, most recently grabbing some coffee in West Hollywood.

WOW Candy and is at it again?!
Dear Rumor,
Please hire the Zoe. You need her! As much as we all may hate Rasin Face you need her.... badly. This has gotten way out of hand. You are out of control. You are no longer recognized as a hot hollywood spawn... I am saying this as a close family friend who has never met you... Your hair and outfit makes me vomit. If you hang out with Hayden "ToHotForMyAge" Panettiere at least try a little! This is unacceptable. You will forever be known as the ugly Willis unless you change now.

Love,
Candy Spelling

(THIS IS NOT A REAL LETTER)

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Candy Spelling At It Again!

Dear Joe,
As the headlines about you changed -- to scream "imprisoned" and "U.S. marshals" instead of "filmmaker" and "entrepreneur," you respond by crying, wailing and seeing yourself as a victim. Bad move. Today's headlines call you a "crybaby." You blew it, Joe. Instead of jumping from party to party, you're being shuffled from one prison to another. And no one feels sorry for you. The flatterers and entourages have moved on. They have short attention spans. They're hanging on to someone else and will take advantage of the new "temp celebrity" as long as it lasts.The only redeeming factor is reading that you have been calling home every day from prison. When things are looking bleak, it sounds like you've found that you can get some perspective from the reliable people at home. Maybe you're realizing these are the only people who really care about you.Your world has changed, and you're the poster boy for what can happen when boys go wild. Your every move and every emotion are still being reported, but not the way you want. It's time for some dignity. At least it might prevent you from being forever defined as a crybaby.
Sincerely,
Candy Spelling

Thanks TMZ.com

I love Kiki