Papa Don't Preach

"Grandpa, man, that's wild, I don't know if I'm going to be grandpa, I don't know if I'm ready to be called grandpa. She is living her life under a microscope, but it's the kind of life you live at that age. She keeps apologizing [about being in the news so much], I tell you, she's doing exactly what you're supposed to do... she's living her life. If we had cell phones, MySpace, Internet back then, God knows what my parents would have known about The Commodores."
-Lionel Richie


Dear Lionel,
I don't think your daughter is ready to be called "MOM", do you? Maybe you should take some Tums and stop this verbal diarrhea before it gets worse and pick up the phone and call your daughter. You honestly think she is doing what she should be doing at this age? Drugs? Driving down the highway the wrong way? Getting knocked up? Possibly having to go to jail knocked up? But according to you, her apologies are not necessary.

When I first heard of Nicole's troubles I was going to pen her, but now I see where my work is needed. Pull yourself together and strong hand that child. She is wild and out of control and she needs her father. She is going to have a baby whether or not you are ready to be a grandpa! You must face facts, you are old now. I had to accept this too. When Tori had a baby, I wanted to throw it out the window, that meant I was old... But now, I realize, as a fellow geezer, I can write on my typewriter and make something of myself!

Best,
Candy Spelling
(THIS IS NOT A REAL LETTER)